Now that the Red Shirts/UDD have commanded everybody’s attention by making good on their promises to begin carrying out mid- March protests, and ‘invading’ us here in the urban Bangkok motherland not only by land, but for extra effect, by sea on the ancient Chao Phraya, The River of Kings, where they were coincidentally descending from their water crafts near Siriraj Hospital, at Tha Phra Chan Pier, near where His Majesty the King has been in recovery and regularly receiving care.

While hundreds of thousands of protesters are already gathered as expected to begin their ’surge’ through the government offices dominated and accompanying Royal Palace and Royal Project offices– adorned areas of the capital stretching from Democracy Monument via Rajadamnoen Avenue to Suan Amporn, (where the Equestrian Statue of King Rama V (Chulalongkorn) is located between the Dusit Zoo and Ananda Sammakom Throne Hall, also close to King Rama V’s early 1900’s exquisite creation, Vimanmek Teakwood Mansion) the protests are contagiously clogging vital streets and arteries in the older, colonial era designed central district of Suan Dusit, home to several prestigious Thai schools and universities. With the huge, crimson crowds growing, so are their demands increasingly gaining more atttention, also accompanied by various vehicles of all kinds; trucks, buses, vans, a multitude of motorcycles and their assorted crimson red displays. But then, this is where Thailand’s ground-zero for protests against governments and other groups affecting national interests normally occurs, similar to the Mall/Reflecting Pool, the White House and Capitol Hill in Washington, D. C.

Meanwhile, the Red Shirts’ strategies for garnering the maximum amount of attention have suggested that perhaps they should consider additional means of attracting significantly more publicity with an Amazing (true to form) Thailand ‘shock and awe’ style campaign to their cause, as the current methods are, … umm, .… well, let’s just say, off to a good start, as the populace is mesmerized by the sight of hundreds of thousands of Red Shirt/UDD supporters of the movement packed throughout the protest zones. Mr. Thaksin must be, well, feeling really good right about now….

But Bangkokians are used to a bit flashier razzle– dazzle and pizz–azz when they go to see special events here. So, in conjunction with our select panel of judges for the Top Ten List’s Final Top 3 remaining things to Do Before Mass Uprisings, Political Protests, Coups, or etc., … The Red Shirts/ UDD have now begun commandeering the largest convoy of red painted and adorned elephants in modern Thailand’s memory, decorated with the Red Shirts’ virulent slogans, smiling pictures of ex- Chairman, … uh, we mean ex- Prime Minister Thaksin and trademark paraphernalia like red wigs, red sunglasses, red shoes, red hats, flags, and banners, (even red tail clappers tied to their tails for added finesse and flair to their accoutrements !)

Extremely Elephant Sized Expressions …. (Size Does Matter!)

Then, when these auspiciously decked out convoys begin plodding to the center of the capital along with their undeniable democratic rights, (the elephants’ rights, we mean, to doo or not to doo, that is the question…) literally littering their paths with plopping, pungent piles for mile after mile, and mounds and pounds of pachyderm poop as their political procession pauses to ‘go’, ‘passing’ as they proceed past block after block of fortified police barriers, and they proudly ply toward their prized pre-eminent premiere, as not only would that gain enhanced credibility, respect and prestige in the Thai public’s eyes, as elephants are truly a sacred animal and as important a national symbol as almost any here, but they would also lend a much added air of  grandeur, enormous elegance and a true aroma of greatness to the habitual hum– drum routine of platform shouting, accusatory finger wagging, effigy burning, photograph smacking, kicking and stomping  and obligatory resulting assent by applause at all the abstruse abuse of absent opposing political figures, … (Yawn, ….)

The elect elephants’ caretakers/owners, (called mahouts) would also be giving them a much needed break from performing hard labor tasks in logging and hauling timber, amusing tourists and performing trite tricks in order to win rewards of fruit and other elephant treats from passersby on the streets, … .

I say, put them to good use! —Now is the time for the elephants to excel in exercising their inalienable rights along with their earthly masters to participate in this exceptional occasion to contribute to the experience of democracy for the nation they embody and whose symbolism emboldens its citizens to excellence! To excrete their odorous essences and exude the awesomeness of their elephant-ness in a deafening display of defiance to the electorate’s enemies …!  … Got rubber boots?

This brings us to Number 3 on our Top Ten list of Things to Do Before a A Major Uprisiing, Coup or Political Protests Involving a Million Really Upset People….. Super Duper Size Elephant Pooper Scoopers !… (available if you act now, only from LifeBangkok.com …) Forget about American Express , … Trod the tourist trail with true tranquility–Don’t leave home without it!

Next in the ‘maximizing attention getting department’ is the Tuk- Tuk Triathalon For Thaksin’s Triumphant Return, as Red Shirt/UDD sympathizing tuk-tuk drivers from all corners of the nation are descending as we speak along with their Red– Shirted pachyderm partners and triumphantly dodging and darting characteristically closely around obstacles, nearly avoiding crashing by weaving between the narrowest breaks in the lines of police barricades, (I mean, really it’s just another day in The Big Mango, eh,… ? ”You, where you go…? ”) survive being water cannoned (as they’re used to being in the heaviest of monsoon soaking rains and just plastic wrapping their fleeting four wheeled, floor flooded vehicles) and yes, even pushing their tuk-tuks on foot if they must to reach their goal…, in True Survivor fashion!! … And what was their goal..? Oh, yes, toppling the government, of course! (nearly forgot, …)

Think of all the needless exhaust fumes and serene sounds these little wonders will emit, as they spurt and sputter forward on their glorified go-cart engines with open throttles and hitting their high pitched horns in an open show of true democratic freedom! Then, in a creative counter effort to foil the security forces encircling them, with help from their elephant mahouts’ (drivers) vantage points high on the elephants backs, form a tactical blitz in a huge circle and ‘guide’ the anti-riot police to fake gems stores and tailors’ shops to bamboozle them with shoddy, inferior goods at over inflated prices that only ‘rich foreigners’ (like almost all foreigners are, right..?) would fall for..! Oh, NO! We forgot that the tuk-tuk drivers, conniving cons in business and the occasionally ‘one or two’ corrupt cops out there are in on the same connivance pretty much  in their slighting scams, as they provide the cover to the same scums of scam that rip-off unsuspecting and all too naive tourists…! Only until and if they go whinging and protesting to their embassies for justice, and shouting for the Tourist Police! Oh, well, it was a good thought while it lasted, ….

That brings us to the Top 2 place on our Top 10 List of Things to Do before a Political Uprising, etc..…..

And Number 2 is ….. Acquire Fake Credit Cards, to use to buy their fake and overpriced wares, … (before fleeing the country, naturally, …) Touche’ !  Take that, you scoundrels, fair is fair..! … And that, you tourist touts!

… Ready, Set, … 1, 2, 3  Geronimo, …..!!  For Demo-crazy!

Finally, as we work to effectively strategize and gain maximum attention to the Red shirts ‘truly democratic’ cause, (funny, but they were much more tolerant and taking a wait and see approach until Thaksin lost most of his money at the hands of the Supreme Court, weren’t they… ? Hmm, …  It does make one wonder…) and in order to truly be a Land, Air and Sea Red Shirts’ invasion, we will cast our gazes skyward! Look ! It’s a bird, … It’s a plane– No, it’s Super Thaksin Man sky diving down, plummeting through the clouds, popping his chutes, and floating down in a crimson red parachuted panopoly of panache into the crowded city center in blazing, bright red regalia! Yet thus, needing to carefully circumvent the infinitely confusing and abundantly arrayed low hanging tangled web of electrical voltage, cable and telephone wires criss– crossing every crevice and corner of Bangkok’s far sighted electrical ‘engineering’ department’s wondrously wired paths of electrical lines at every angle throughout the city, it would be virtually impossible to avoid contact with all the hot wires, conduits and transformers weaving in and through the vast mish-mashed electrical maze, um, er, … ‘grid’,… and would truly be a high point of their premier’s premier finale— worthy of all Bangkokians’ efforts to view and would undoubtedly prove to be a most electrifying event– guaranteed to shock and awe even the participants themselves, …!

This brings us to the Number 1 Most Important Thing to Do Before a Political Uprising, Coup or …. etc., is: DRUMROLL, P-L-E-A-S-E …

Get your Annual Subscription to LifeBangkok.com and receive our ‘free’ promotional one month subscription offer (One Time ONLY folks!) for which you will be billed monthly thereafter at the introductory rate of a one time shipping and handling fee of ONLY $99.99 PLUS $2.50 per month, (that’s just 4.32958 cents per day, for a whole year!) but also includes a few lifetimes’ supply of Oxycontin and if at any time you should choose to cancel your subscription, you will be billed retroactively (yes, … Again!), beginning from the all important date of March 14, 2010 until the date when Thaksin Shinawatra is finally returned to power, whether in person or by proxy (hey, it doesn’t even matter if he’s in the country, or not …) and ALL his money has been returned with interest and he gets a full published apology from all the Yellow Shirts’/PAD leaders, like Sonthi Limthongkul, bowing and scraping for forgiveness for ever stirring up the public against him and saying all those mean things about him and his ‘unusually rich’ family…..

Thank you for your subscription to LifeBangkok.com, completed when you simply exit this program, and you’ve made a wise choice and we hope you enjoy Thailand’s political uprising, …. etc., and all the other important news of the day…  !

(All proceeds go to Exiled Elephants Without Frontiers … )